Let’s Make No Mistake About It

I know I keep reiterating this fact but chemo really does suck the worst. Like, entirely, on the whole.. Enough so that it’s literally the predominant thought in my mind all day, most every day. I will continue to be skeptical about its efficacy until I see some results, of which the first time will be Monday 8/3 when I meet with my oncologist to go over lab numbers and at which point I believe I’ll probably continue to remain skeptical no matter what the lab work or doctor says.

I still have no idea if this course of treatment is working or going to work. But what I do know for sure is that the effects of chemo are terrible. If these first two rounds are any indication, I can look forward to being pretty much incapacitated for about a week after every infusion.

This past week seemed especially hard. My entire routine seems to have been sleeping about sixteen hours a day and feeling gross twenty-four hours a day. Fatigue was extremely high, as was nausea. I’m actually having a hard time finding adjectives to properly convey just how tired I was and the overall disgusting I felt for a week straight. Literally no energy to do anything and a nasty feeling in my stomach constantly. No energy to read, none to prepare meals, not even enough much to chat with anyone.

But as with everything, there are still bright spots amongst the dark. I got married on Monday. I still feel so very lucky to have a such an empathetic, intelligent and capable partner by my side(she’s even doing cool shit like graphing out my drug intake to see the patterns of usage so I can know when I can expect to feel a certain way or need certain drugs – I’m telling you, she’s fucking awesome). We did a low-key affair and signed our license at home with no witnesses except for the dogs and ourselves, then ate some takeout Mexican, drank some margaritas and celebrated our union with a salted Oreo ice cream pie.

This morning feels different. For the first time in a week, I woke up with enough spring in my step to take the pup for a little walk and with enough energy to make some breakfast. I’ll be sure to try to appreciate and take advantage of this new temporary reality as much as I can over the next few days. As is with everything, the feeling is fleeting and next Tuesday’s infusion will be here before I know it, knocking me out again.

Thank you all again for the generous donations, the meal train(which I updated today for anyone still wanting to sign up) and all the continued love and support that you’ve expressed in so many ways. I’d say this is probably a good time to reach out if you’ve been trying to text or call me lately without much success.

Much love and talk to you all soon,


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